Every once in a while, it pays off to actually open up the free newspapers that show up at your doorstep, rather than throw them straight into the recycling bin. This week’s North York Mirror – my neighborhood’s venerable ad-rag – features this column from a very funny humourist, Bernie O’Neill (“Will asteroid quell global warming fears?”) . In it, he mocks futile global warming “solutions”, disses the UN, and makes a strong case for replacing Global Warming hysteria with Asteroid Terror:
Death by asteroid would quell global warming fears Bernie O’Neill – 02/22/07
There may be relief on the horizon for all of us concerned yet perhaps already weary of the idea that we will have to spend the rest of our lives listening to daily global warming warnings (say daily global warming warnings 10 times fast and you win a free energy efficient light bulb from Toronto Hydro!), and being made to feel guilty for simply getting out of bed in the morning.
The anguish I experience trying to figure out whether it’s better to brown my breakfast in the toaster or warm it in the microwave (which one will do less harm to Mother Earth?) is becoming just too much.
Why do I have a refrigerator roaring away inside, when it’s plenty cold outside to keep my food cold? Why don’t I just put the food outside?
Why do I have a humidifier in overdrive in the house and the heat turned up to keep the place both warm and humid for the kids? Meanwhile, I put wet clothes in the clothes dryer, only to have that warm moist air pumped directly outside, warming the globe?
None of this makes any sense. If you think about it too much, pretty soon you’re walking around in dirty T-shirts and eating lukewarm, uncooked wieners, right out of the package. You’re not sure how to recycle the package the wieners came in, so you eat that, too.
Fortunately, we learned this week that an asteroid may hit the earth in 2036 and do us all in before we drown in the water of melting icebergs.
The massive rock is called Apophis, derived from the Greek word for ‘destroy,’ and according to an article I read could wipe out an area the size of England. (There’s only a one in 45,000 chance of this happening, but knowing my luck, well, just don’t be standing too close to me on the day it’s scheduled to drop by.)
Why the asteroid would wipe out England and not some other place I’m not sure, having never been to England myself. But it might as well wipe out England because if the asteroid were intent on destroying an entire country in one swell foop, more or less (OK, OK, so England is part of ‘Great Britain’ – la de da), well England would be a good choice.
Although I think France is a similar size, so if it wanted to wipe out France that would be OK, too. Not that I have anything against France (‘Vive le France!’). It’s just if struck on a border somewhere, the media coverage might get too complicated for us average humans (“the asteroid, which struck Belgium, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Denmark, and parts of Sweden and the Netherlands” just doesn’t flow as well as “the asteroid, which wiped France off the map”).
There’s no point in it hitting Canada, because our country is so vast. Unless it sort of hit at one end and bounced along the TransCanada, wiping out major population centres like Wawa, Mattawa, Petawawa – and the highway itself, which contributes to the burning of gasoline.
(If any doomsday cults are thinking of contacting me, just to let you know I have two sons, both of whom play hockey, so therefore I have no money left for you to siphon out of my bank account after injecting me with a stupefying drug, or hypnotizing me, swinging a pocket watch in front of my eyes and telling me I’m getting very sleepy, because I’m already very sleepy.)
Apparently the UN is trying to get together to come up with a solution, but with only 29 years to agree on something, it seems doubtful they can save us.
This impending asteroid strike could be good for tourism in England. Anyone who had not seen the place might like to visit sometime before Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, Piccadilly Circus and all that, are vaporized.
And the rest of us who are tired of hearing about how the world is ending might want to be there when the asteroid actually hits.
Mind you, and I am not a scientist (you may have guessed that by this point), if an asteroid hits the earth hard enough to wipe out England, the rest of us may be done for anyway. Kind of like a bullet hitting a soft-boiled egg. So we could simply stay home and continue to destroy the earth with our every action. And watch the whole thing on TV. Until the signal goes fuzzy. The lights go out. And it’s all over.
The Global Warming fear-mongers, and their dopey useful idiots, need a little mockery, common sense, and sense of perspective. Thank you, Bernie O’Neill, for providing that and more.